My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
