I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
