I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
