Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
