she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
