I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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