i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
