the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
