I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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