guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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