Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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