I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
