We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
