Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
