I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
