it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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