so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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