I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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