if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize