Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
