2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
