somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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