She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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