Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
