hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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