I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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