Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
