I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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