he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
