i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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