I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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