I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
