It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
