Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
