There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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