i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
