My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
