At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
