dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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