Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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