Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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