FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize