Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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