There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
