the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
