she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
vagina is talking i cant
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
