So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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