Cold hands, warm shart.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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