I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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