I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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