I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
