How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
