Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
