mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
