Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
