just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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