Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
