If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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