There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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