When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
